thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Randomize
