My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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