Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
