so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
