just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
