what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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