I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
