totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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