i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
