now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
