im six kinds of drunk right now
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
