I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
