You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
