I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
