Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
