Four minutes until I can fart!
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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