I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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