Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
