My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm sobbing to NWA
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
