i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
