I think I won the penis lottery.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
