You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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