I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
