I am in a vortex of obligation.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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