I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
