Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.