Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
