You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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