You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i dont even know how to be here
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
