Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
