My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
