I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
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This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
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After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"