woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
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