Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
