So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
