i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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