You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
