I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
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