I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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