youre lurking in front of me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
