you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
