these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
