He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he was CRYING into my vagina
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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