Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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