she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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