I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
