i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
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She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
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Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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