Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Randomize
