I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
