The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
She needs sedatives and a leash
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
