Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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