He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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